so went out with Dian today. like omg lah i realised this was our first outing together after hari raya which was soo long ago. HAHA. went to arab street. hah. so makcik right but WHATEVER.

initially we wanted to go to bugis because i so totally fell in love with her bag. so vintage. so nice. i likee. but we decided on just arab street eventually.tsk. talk about fickle.

as usual i had like a super bad face day. since the plan was impromptu, i wore my Jubah because i was from class. i didnt even have any makeup on. my face was full of scars and pimples but i didnt care. hah.

okay okay, i just sent an email to my parents, so hopefully mother gets it on her blackberry. HAHA.

Oh. im doneee with pbpn and so now i wanna go watch tv.

OH AND KY IF YOU ARE READING THIS I WANNA START WATCHING THE MENTALIST ASAP!

haha.

xoxo

please do not read this if you want to remain undepressed. thank you.

honestly, i don't know how my parents do it. all the begging, snivelling and the long faces that they always get from us. i don't know how the hell to handle it.

seriously, i never wanted to be the head of the house. i dislike responsibility of other people. responsibility of my schoolwork? peanuts. responsibility of my money. chicken. but the responsibility that i now have over my three brothers is driving me nuts. how do i juggle between their needs, mine and my school work? I am slipping. my strong facade is slipping ever so slightly. the reason why i am nuts in school, laughing hysterically all the time at every tiny little thing is because deep deep down i really want to cry. cry at every opportunity that i have. cry every time i see on the news the coverage of the hajj. cry every time i hear the takbir going on.the morning prayers was truly truly a very emotional one. i could not stop crying. if i could i would have bawled my eyes out.

Its really hard to appear happy in public. so thats why i go for indifferent. i arrange my features to remain neutral. laugh when its needed, smile when its needed. i cannot appear sad in front of people because they will then start to sympathize when i dont want people to do. big deal. most people have gone through this. and i'm like taking the cake for creating the most dramatic scene ever. so thats why. i have to appear strong. for my brothers. i have to BE strong for my brothers. although we never show each other how sad we are, i know from their faces that they feel as much sadness in them as i do. open grief is not a luxury i can afford right now. as it is people are already thinking that i like not having my parents around me. oh how wrong they are.

i am super stressed out. its only the first week my parents have been gone and I am already a mess. They call us everyday, its the only event i look forward to everyday. thank you technology.lol.

i wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone but my parents so thats why i did not answer ANYONE's call except if i see that the number is from Saudi. so I am sorry if i offended anyone in any way. i just need time. huh.

Lastly, here is a list of the major things that i am not good at:

1. Social communication skills
2. stuff that needs to be said at appropriate times
3. handling stress
4. showing people my true feelings
5. remain in a clear state of mind when i am angry
6. interpret subtle hints
7. relationships

so there, if any of the things from the above list is what you expected from me, then consider yourself warned. please do not expect me to be good at this because this is something that you learn through experience and not something that you can memorise off your notes.

-imissthem
xoxo

I had an awesome breakfast just now (:

So my parents are going off real soon. i wonder how im gonna get through that day. their flight is in the early morning after which i'll go straight to class. huh. there's like pbpn tutorial quiz at 4 later on and i'm wondering when am i gonna freaking study for it. So, AdFS proposal done, im still left with CaT consultation, completing PBPN lab report and tutorial.

ohgod pbpn is taking over my life.

hmm. now i just want to withdraw myself from the world, lock myself in my room, and switch off my phone so no one can call me or text me unless they are coming over to my house with a tub full of ben n jerry's cookie dough ice cream.

i am badly in need of a cookie right now. AH.

xoxo

okay so everyone is making sucha big fuss over Hana's status asking the six of us question after question after question. okay people. can you just accept it and move on? HAH.

ohmygod i am so freaking tired. i went home late yesterday to do the survey and i just just finished showering now, cause i reached home like 40 mins ago to stay back for catering tech project meeting. AH. this week sucks man. but I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! oh my, tomorrow's pbpn and fpqap lab back to back. oh i can kiss my stool in the lab goodbye. then afterwards have to continue with the survey somemore.

CaT lab was fun okay. haha and Mdm Kalpana made us some kick ass veggie soup with macaroni to eat after the session. damn nice lah. or maybe it was just because, it was cold outside and the soup was welcomingly hot. HAHA. and then Chef Gary was actually funny. serious serious, he was like "okay after my demo you all can start to rock n roll."

okay i'mma go now since there are people coming over(again) to visit my parents who are flying off on monday. SHEEESH.

xoxo

omg omg omg. Sezairi is the cutest most awesome guy to ever be on Singapore Idol ( with the exception of Taufik) !!

he is sooo damnn cute lah.

hahah. i still cannot believe that we, yes all six of us, went all the way to other ulu end of engine school to just for SI. tsk. tak cool siah. HAHA. eh eh okay this is gonna be a short one because i've to go study for Catering Tech because theres a quiz like TOMORROW. lucky i like the lecturer, if not.. chey mardy like real only. but after that there's PBPN on wednesday. YIKES. no mardy, YOU LOVE PBPN. YOU REALLY DO!

haha. just now she returned us our mini quiz and tutorial back. my tutorial marks were atrocious i tell you. my mini quiz a bit saving grace but still like crapp.


xoxo

siallllah. i'm so freakin irritated. honestly, my brothers eat like PIGS.

i was so looking forward to eating the nasi lemak that mother bought in the morning, which i did not have time to eat becaus ei was rushing for the IGuides orientation. i was thinking about it the whole freaking morning, just to come home to find an empty microwave. F*CKING EMPTY. i was sooooooo dissapointed lah hello.

i wanted that nasi lemak so BAD i started to cry. OMG. childish like what sia. but seriously, i was like "why you all finish it??????????????????i want to eat!!!!!!!!!!!"

i am so F*cking pissed at them. i called mother to complain to her and ended up pissing her off by being pissed off and hanging the phone up. DAMMIT. now mother's mad at me. SORRY MOTHER. i just was really looking forward to it.

now i feel like such an ungrateful spoiled brat.

and its all because of NASI LEMAK.


F*CK.

Tomorrow if a golden train came to take you away, would you go, would you stay?

I would go. Far away, until my ability to smile and laugh becomes 100 % natural again. I'm ashamed to say that i'm actually very affected. Yesterday was well, unexpected. ahh. I seem to have lesser control over my tears in public nowadays. i'm just tired.

Tired of having to keep them in when all i want to do is just run into my room, lock the door and bawl my heart out. BUT. I cannot stand being sad anymore. not for one more second. in fact i am going to be the happy mardy again. because being sad and emo and everything really drains my energy out of me. HAHA. being sad sucks. BIG TIME. 

so okay people. Mardy's BACK! 

omg. i need to pee sia because its so freakin cold. okay okay. i love you all. yes. you. every single one of you reading my blog. 

spread the love people!
xoxo



p/s:i'm really happy for you girlfriend (: 
"its a really beautiful thing to tell someone you like them" remember you told me this? :D

seriously man. i'm clueless. PBPN is soooo confusing. okay firn, i'm not clueless but its just so much to take in. and usually i'll still be thinking about the mechanisms after the lecture ends. just because i have to get it into my head before i get even more lost. HAH

( sorry :( )

okay so much happened in a span of two days. bear with me people.

Friday:
okay so the staring was really weird.like seriously. there i was, half passed out at the lab's preparation table because my cramps made me feel like a pregnant woman in labor, waiting for my turn, and some person was scrutinising me. what gives? hah. oh oh, we had Cat tech lab on thursday with a chef that might have been from hells kitchen.(okay this is on everyones blog so im not gonna elaborate) 

then went home with Ta and Ht, i was ssoooo thirsty and got my sweet talk fix. which i regretted imidiately after drinking it, because my cramps got so bad i wanted to roll over and pass out in the bus.HAH. then trained down to the airport to fetch father and oh finally, i got to sit in the beloved Toyota wish after five days of not seeing it. (okay, i exaggerate.)

Staurday:

went out for lunch with the family and this stupid lady driver switched lanes WITHOUT CHECKING HER GODDAMNED BLINDSPOT. she hit father's car and scratched it. okay fine wtv. it was a small thing. BUT she was a bitch. after she hit our car, she wind down her window and took out  her camera and started snapping pictures! bloody hell. that set me off. father was oddly calm but my brother and i were pissed like mad. next thing i know, we were climbing out of the car with not very noble words in our mouths. she didnt even apologise lah! it was 100% HER FAULT and i was like, WTH?? okay, ahmad had steam coming out from his ears because the lady was a bitch! she did NOT even look at my father when he talked to her. HELLO?? you hit people's car and you blame it on them?? what part of that is logic? she had absolutely NO RESPECT whatsoever for other people. she went jabbering into her phone asking her husband to call the police and whatever. i was like "are you kidding me? no wait, seriously. are you freaking KIDDING ME????" i was so ready to slap the bloody shades from her stinking face, i was actually shaking.

okay fine. so i cant hit her, i took out my phone and snapped pictures of every inch of the car. HAPPY? eh HELLO, you snob, you think you drive a freaking Mercedes then you're a big shot issit? eh please lah. i've seen merc's EVRYWHERE i go and yours doesnt even come close to the most expensive looking one. you suck, your car sucks and i hope someone pukes on your leather interior so hard it stinks to the high heavens and you cant get the smell out :D

Take that, biaatch.

haha. after the whole thing, you would expect us to lose our appetites and go home but NO, we went for lunch straight after because all the arguing made us even hungrier. HAHA. cute or what.

okay okay. i gotta go get ready for my cousins wedding. 

XOXO

p/s: waffles plus chocolate sauce make me go gaga.

 seriously, why do i have to keep doing this to myself?im hurting no one else but my own self. why am i so freaking vulnerable to these matters? after so long of living life without listening to my feelings, after so long of telling myself, my time will come, i fall again. i fall hard. and its when it hurts the most, is when it hits the hardest.

i cant believe how much of a moron i am.

Friday was sucky. i swear. i was miss cranky pants the whole damn day and i hated every minute of it! well...okay mardy exaggerates alot. i wasnt cranky the WHOLE day but we had like a four hour lab okayyyyy. and most of the time was just spent waiting for the stupid autoclaving machine to be done. then our agar did NOT solidify because we accidentally added waayyyy too much tartaric acid in it. and after every thing had been done, we had to throw all of it away :(

thank God for Mr Alex ah. hes the beeessssssteessttt teacher/lab instructor ever okay. that wasnt the only thing that made my usually happy friday unhappy though. not gonna explain what it is here because i think i might just throw Patrick out of the window. 

went to the mosque for Maulid at night. not to sound like a religious freak here, but the recitations helped calm my nerves some. i felt much better and not quite as pissed. so, when all else fails, when no one is left there for you to turn to, you know He's there.

so, parents are going off for Hajj on the 21st. i feel............torn. thats the word. like i'm really happy them but i dont know how im going to cope. they'll be gone for a month. i'm trying to not show that i'm sad because that'll just worsen things. they're already happy and im here all sad and emo. STOP THIS DEE. you have to be happy for them. but its just so hard to be happy when all i want to do is cry and cry and cry.

argh. i need sleep. ive been out since like 8 in the morning and im so freakin tired. excuse me before i start the waterworks again.

xoxo

 i'm so sad. i sprained my ankle in school and i had to keep from hobbling to keep my cool, which worsened the pain la eh.sad sad sad :(

 mother's sitting on my bed right now. sewing my dress. hah. spoiled brat sia mardy. i havent been chiong-ing for research like i have been just because its the freaking weekends lah! like HELLO?? weekends= rest and happiness?? where has that gone to? school is KENTAL okay. 

okay so the girls have been rubbing the "Love happens when you least expect it" phrase in my face. like seriously okay girls, i GETTIT. hahah. ok ok so i was reading the new paper then there was an article saying that the super adorable Lee Min Ho did NOT show up for the fans meet and greet session at PS yesterday. woo. so bad lah kan? lucky Ht didnt go and stand in line. hahah. yeah right. but  seriously, wayy to dissapoint your fans man! tsk. they said it was for security reasons. like wth. the fans must have benn some really craaazzy chicks. 

soooooooo, i'm off now. byebye.

xoxo